☸ ☠ Mgccl's ☣ Bl✡g☢ 卍

I'm not going to China anymore.
What I'm doing will tear the family apart.
My biological parents in China told me they wish I would change my mind and not come home because my mom and dad are fighting over this issue constantly.
They are right.
I can't be that selfish.
Non-refundable ticket. Laid to waste. First time in my life I spend that large amount of money. Bravo.
Thx Ahana.
I shall do whatever makes me most happy.

Either way it's not going to be happy. I should pick the one make most people happy.

I wonder, if I have stereotypical white parents, maybe I get to do what I like instead of what they like.

It has to be the largest dilemma I have faced in my life.
I could either go to China, do my math, come back without a place to live and getting student loan for college, or
stay in US, and do my best at math, then have a place to live and get most of my college tuition covered by my parents

Cretan Labyrinth. School of Finiguerra

Nice work getting me to this point, Chao.

It all started with my plan to go to China study math intensively so I can get myself into USAMO, so I have a good college application. At least this is what I told my parents about.

My dad, opposed. He says I have too much to do in US. Intel Science Talent Search(STS) might be the better option, since I have a great mentor and he can help me with the research report a lot. that is, if I am in US while I'm writing it. The college essays should be done in US, so I can get my English teacher to correct my grammar and can personal ask teachers to write recommendation letters.
He also knows USAMO is in April, way too late for first year college application.
So he told me, if I aboard the plane next week, he will not welcome me in his house and I better find somewhere else to live.

Fair enough. He is a reasonable man. Because if he is paying so I can live in the house. It's perfectly ok to do this. I perfectly understand and I don't blame him at all.
I do even agree with what he said. It's true, maybe I have a better chance at STS and it might be easier to get into a better college if I just stay in US.

My mom, agreed, but she has no power and no money. She also want me to get into a good college, USAMO sounds nice to her.

Now it is up to me.

I lied.
I didn't lie about USAMO can help me with getting into good colleges.
I did lie about the motive for USAMO, which will lead me to study in China. It's not because USAMO helps with me getting into a good college, maybe even my dream one, MIT.
I want to take USAMO because I want to take it.

What I would like better? Getting into MIT or getting into USAMO?
I chose the latter.
I don't care about how suck my application will be and how I can never make into STS semi-final due to my absence from my mentor. It's not important. I don't like science anyway.
Why would I lie about my motivation?
My parents, biological ones and legal ones, only cares about what college I goes to, what I want to do isn't really important.

In the beginning, I did everything for MIT, until I later found the goal was not MIT, but USAMO.

I started my life many years ago, there is always an feeling of emptiness, I felt I'm worthless in every aspect. I thought that's because I'm not in an environment that can bring out my worth.
I'm inferior to people in many subjects, all humanities subjects and even science subjects. I don't see myself capable to create an artistic drawing, moving novel or start a scientific project. Those are not my things.
As I grow up, I still know what I'm good at. I'm bad at everything.
Until I joined Mathlete in 10th grade.
I'm actually good at something.
But even if I perform at top of the school in math, there are still other schools in Suffolk County can send out students that can beat me.
I still have doubt of how good I actually am. Again, I believe it's because of my environment constrained me. I have to go to MIT to finally grow freely.

I have been selected into Suffolk County All-Star Team and participate in ARML, I finally understand what I am suppose to do--math.
My performance at the AP test, considering never studied some of those subjects, are nice. Lead me to understand it isn't my environment. It is myself.

I need to know, who I'm I and what I'm capable of. When I first heard there are people out there take time to "search for who they are", I loled, I found it funny. "Only white people do that" was my comment. Fate is ironic. USAMO suddenly is above MIT. USAMO will prove how good I am in math. I can finally know I am valuable. USAMO will complete me.
If I tell this to my parents, they will lol.
"WTF? Search for your own worth? You want to know who you are? You taking USAMO just for the sake of taking it? Haha, you are joking right?"

I was meant to do mathematics, it's the best thing I can do. If I fail at that, what's the point of even going to good colleges. I don't deserve anything better than Stony Brook if 4 months of intensive study can't place me in top 500 in US.

The dilemma is placed in front of me. I have 5 days left.

I remember making jokes about dilemma. it's two lemmas. Math pun.
Irony.

The decision is hard...
Homeless is not the worst could happen to me. I fear the following if I did make to China.

Few weeks later, I'm crying in my bed silently about how I didn't improve enough to take on the preliminaries confidently. All my effort rated "Fail" because my overvaluation of my ability. Waking up the next day like nothing ever happened. Smiling while tell my parents that "I will make it" when the hope already died out.

USAMTS question is not that hard to me compare to 1 year before.

Homeless is the way to be.

In case anyone was asking...


If you try to assassinate me and fails, it would be great for my essay for MIT.

Essay A Tell us about an experience which, at the time, really felt like "the end of the world" -- but had it not happened, you would not be who you are today. Describe the process through which you discovered value in the negative.

All variable used are positive.
Suppose the state of universe in one instant of time x is f(x).
Is it possible to find a t where f(x+t) = f(x) for all x?
I had this question in my mind today. because if that is true, then travel back in time can be just traveling to future.

But second law of thermodynamics says it's not possible.

Humm... but that law also means we are all going to be converted into entropy... and our existence would be really... eventually... meaningless.

Man... I have to stop.